I Am 14 Years Clean & Sober!
August 7th 2007 15:03
The 6th of August is my personal anniversary.
I am a member of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and have reached my milestone of 14 years sobriety.
At times, it has felt like a long and exhausting trek, but the alternative, to drink or drug again, is to choose self destruction, or go mad and become prey to the psychopaths and evil minded who lurk in the shadows waiting for us all.
I had fun times, of course, but in reflection they were when I was young and the good times were never in the majority. I had many a time of feeling very sorry for myself, loneliness, anxiety and fear, being told to leave; bars, friend's houses, parties and home.
I remember thinking I had lots of friends when all I had was fellow users and drunkards, who abandoned you once your supply ran out.
I also destroyed my career in the film industry.
I remember being asked to do another film, as the one I was working on was wrapping (finishing) and I knew I couldn't handle it any more, my short term memory had failed, I was paranoid, had no self esteem. I didn't drive the car, I gripped the wheel in grim determination, praying not to crash. I knew I was the worst, most useless human being on the planet, and undeserving of existence.
Today, I know I have a good soul, but still find it difficult at times to gather the self-esteem to promote myself to others in a good light, or defend myself when challenged, and when being praised often choosing self-sabotage, or self-deprecatory humour, as a way to deflect any positivity shown towards me.
I still have aspects in my personality that I have to work on, but at least I am aware of my faults, and at least I do no harm to others, and try as best I can, to be of some assistance to whomever should ask.
I have stared into the abyss, I have dived into the black antithesis of existence, that dark place of eternal solitude, and yet I survived.
Some said I must be destined for a greater purpose. At the time, I felt I had not learned enough, and maybe it was through suffering, that I was to learn the greater lessons.
And this has proved true. For I have been a victim of many things; circumstances, people and even myself, especially for allowing the sociopaths in life to take advantage of my good nature.
I, like everyone, has to tread this path of life, till my time is finished and when it is, I do not know, yet I will be ready and glad of its coming. But I am never alone, I have my Higher Power and those that truly know me, and love me, those who are on the other side, who quietly watch, and wait, till I return.
In this mortal realm I have but one major tenet;
I NEVER PICK UP!
I NEVER USE!
I KNOW IT IS THE FIRST DRINK...THE FIRST DRUG....THAT DOES THE HARM.
My world is far from perfect, my family has many troubles, and I have numerous health problems, but I know I just have to take things one at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time and put myself in the 'hands' of my Higher Power.
Thanks for sharing your time with me.
fog
I am a member of AA (Alcoholics Anonymous) and NA (Narcotics Anonymous) and have reached my milestone of 14 years sobriety.
At times, it has felt like a long and exhausting trek, but the alternative, to drink or drug again, is to choose self destruction, or go mad and become prey to the psychopaths and evil minded who lurk in the shadows waiting for us all.
I had fun times, of course, but in reflection they were when I was young and the good times were never in the majority. I had many a time of feeling very sorry for myself, loneliness, anxiety and fear, being told to leave; bars, friend's houses, parties and home.
I remember thinking I had lots of friends when all I had was fellow users and drunkards, who abandoned you once your supply ran out.
I also destroyed my career in the film industry.
I remember being asked to do another film, as the one I was working on was wrapping (finishing) and I knew I couldn't handle it any more, my short term memory had failed, I was paranoid, had no self esteem. I didn't drive the car, I gripped the wheel in grim determination, praying not to crash. I knew I was the worst, most useless human being on the planet, and undeserving of existence.
Today, I know I have a good soul, but still find it difficult at times to gather the self-esteem to promote myself to others in a good light, or defend myself when challenged, and when being praised often choosing self-sabotage, or self-deprecatory humour, as a way to deflect any positivity shown towards me.
I still have aspects in my personality that I have to work on, but at least I am aware of my faults, and at least I do no harm to others, and try as best I can, to be of some assistance to whomever should ask.
I have stared into the abyss, I have dived into the black antithesis of existence, that dark place of eternal solitude, and yet I survived.
Some said I must be destined for a greater purpose. At the time, I felt I had not learned enough, and maybe it was through suffering, that I was to learn the greater lessons.
And this has proved true. For I have been a victim of many things; circumstances, people and even myself, especially for allowing the sociopaths in life to take advantage of my good nature.
I, like everyone, has to tread this path of life, till my time is finished and when it is, I do not know, yet I will be ready and glad of its coming. But I am never alone, I have my Higher Power and those that truly know me, and love me, those who are on the other side, who quietly watch, and wait, till I return.
In this mortal realm I have but one major tenet;
I NEVER PICK UP!
I NEVER USE!
I KNOW IT IS THE FIRST DRINK...THE FIRST DRUG....THAT DOES THE HARM.
My world is far from perfect, my family has many troubles, and I have numerous health problems, but I know I just have to take things one at a time, one day at a time, one step at a time and put myself in the 'hands' of my Higher Power.
Thanks for sharing your time with me.
fog
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Comment by charliesgirl_992000
Histeries, Mysteries and what not
Lifes little slices
Mystical Creativity
I was married to a drunk for ten years. This was how i coped. Then i started wanting to do it through the week and no longer wanting to go to socor with my two young kids. Thats when my eyes opened and i started trying to stop. I left my husband, started the divorce, but didn't know that i moved smack in the middle of other recently divorced young moms doing meth. Everyone around me even at my job that i LOVED and made alsmot ten an hour at, where doing it. Not bad pay for a girl out of the projects who dropped out of school pregnant.
I tried hard not to do meth, but it was all around me. People just laying it out for free, trying to pull you back in. I said no sooo many times but then my ex started stalking me. Once again i hid behind the drugs.
Then my saving grace came. I was asked if i wanted to go on a blind date. A blind date taht almost didn't happen. Right when we worked it out, my husband attacked me at a stop sign. bruising up and swelling my face, chipping my teeth, blood everywhere, kids screaming in the back seat. I had black eyes for four weeks. Charlie was paitient and waited for me. He had NO clue what he was getting his self into thoughh. we started dating. His lug nuts where loosened from his tires, he was attacked left with black eyes and blood in them, his car was scratched, his machine was filled with death threaghts. He stuck around and i have no idea why. He praprosed to me three years to the day of our blind date, in that same little pizza place. he bought us a cute house in a perfect town, in a perfect subdavision. He never knew about my short drug addiction, or atleast as far as i knew. The second we moved to that house. The american dream, i stopped working, and vowed to never use again. I wouldn't risk loosing the life i always dreamed of. A perfect man that adored me and my children. A man without a mean streak in his body. A house i never thought i'd ever live in with the two car garage, nice cabinets, siding, carpet and pretty foyer and sunken staircase in great room with vaulted ceiling. I couldn't believe we had a vacation in our own yard with a pool. I finally could be myself. Be the mom i always had hidden under their. For me,it's been about ten years since i last did meth. None of my friends where as lucky as i was. They are all still doing meth, coke, and some have even turned to crack. I moved 11 hours from all of them. I didn't need to. I'd never go back anyway. But it was sad seeing them all self destruct.
Congrats to a huge accomplishment!!
Tammy
Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
We all have faults in our personality so don't worry about that one, they say women do guilt, men have sport. Guilt is not nice, but reflection can be good.
All of us are less than perfect and who are we to judge.
You still have heaps of talent if that is any consolation.
katyzzz
Comment by Tracy
Movies and Life
What an achievement and you have a strong insight into yourself and your abilities. Congratulations, it would’ve been a hard slog to get to this point but fourteen years is an incredible achievement.
As katyzzz said, we all have bits of our personality that we need to work on. I admire anyone who is brave enough to do that.
Congratulations, Fog,
Tracy
Comment by Ash
Flashes of memories
Congratulations! What an achievement. A very good friend of mine is in the same position as you (although on 6 years sober now) and your words ring so true of her and her journey.
Much strength in your journey. Faith definitely has something to do with it!
ash
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
CONGRATS!
Right there with you, friend... floating free myself from everything and nothing at all...
Life is so much better when we are free to choose ...not slaves to our addictions. I am a bit of a novelty it seems, because I can have a drink or two and stop... there was a time when I had no brakes either.
However, I could never do that with smoking... just one puff and I was always hooked ...and so it was cold turkey for me too. It's been six years now without them and I doubt I'd ever need a puff again.
Same with pain killers... but then I do have an excuse for those... that's another battle for another day ...
Hang in there, and well done, I doubt you'd need any of those things again now, anyway... those higher powers offer substitute high's that are unsurpassed by any other substance I have ever known on this earthly plane!
Raising my weekly treat Chai Latte in your honour...
Lilla ...
Comment by KylieW
Celebrity Obsession
Congratulations. That's a huge achievement. To be able to acknowledge your addiction and then take steps to break it, is not an easy step.
I thankfully have not struggled with drink or drug addiction thankfully. It's always been something that I've been very conscious of. Alcohol has never been a problem, I like to drink with friends when we go out, but can happily go without drinking at all.
Drugs are a little more dicey. I've yet to meet a drug I don't like. So I never have them in the house. I don't know any dealers. If I'm out with friends and some comes my way, I'll take a pill or snort a line. But i purposely have made sure that I don't know any dealers. Because i don't trust myself. It's not that big a step from enjoying recreational drugs, to needing drugs to get through the day.
Congratulations again on you achievement
Kylie
Comment by DuskDevi
Rugby World Cup 2007
It can't be easy.
Thank you for sharing your honest self appraisal.
Warm wishes, much strength to you.
Dusk
...may I ask why you chose the nom de blog fog?
It's just that, you seem quite 'clear'...
Comment by Chic Critique
Cheers
CC
Comment by Simon Marks
Froggy Views and French News
Froggy News
Well done old chap!!!!!! Here's to the next 14 years.
Cheers and many more years
Comment by Miss Nomer
Thanks for sharing...gives me hope x