MY BLOW UP DOLL and me!
April 1st 2008 07:28
EEEEWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!! I can feel you all thinking...me too! Well, no, I NEVER used it and it was a present...truly...pant pant... It was meant to be a joke, but the way the joke was played on me, nearly caused a heart attack!
I was not long home, it was about 8pm, when the girl I was sharing a house with asked to borrow the keys, she had left something in the car.
Time goes by, 9pm, she and another friend were giggling in bed together, I was bored, staring at the ceiling on my bed, the fan whirred, the traffic droned. I lived in a dilapidated hovel, in the smog encrusted outskirts of Melbourne, Bogun-Vile Village.
I had no one in my emotional life. I was living with a heroin addict in full denial, to my face at least;
"No I'm not!!!"
"But dearest, we are standing in a darkened house and your pupils are pin dots!"
We liked each other.
She liked my black humour, my silliness and we both loved being childish. So we had a lot in common, excluding the fact that she had a part time girl friend, well, girlfriends!
I had my right hand, occasionally my left. The novelty of the switch made it feel like a blind date...
As I stared blankly and unblinking at the peeling lead paint ceiling, waiting for that thrillingly entertaining moment, when a paint flake fluttered down, my private minimalist snow storm.
Then she called out to me again, in that slightly whiney, pathetic and hopeless tone, the one I knew was all about getting her something because she couldn't be bothered getting up off her arse and dragging it four feet across the room.
Endulging her was one of my idle amusements in those days.
"I left my bag in the car, can you get it, pleeeeeeeeease!"
She had quite beautiful eyes actually, and knew how to manipulate EVERYONE, at least some of the time.
'I've got chocolate!"
Well, that did it. I had given up alcohol, drugs, sex had given me up, I had moved interstate, worked at a psyche clinic as a dramatist, was writing an opera, hated to suffer fools....BUT.....
chocolate....frig it!
I went to the car.
It was parked under the carport next to the house, the highway zooming behind in the background, headlights and red break lights passing like light streamers, or small comets about to hit ground.
But this evening would be different, the traffic distraction was momentary, because as soon as I turned the corner, I saw him;
A MAN SITTING IN MY CAR!!!!
I gasped and physically reeled backwards, while raising my hands up protectively.
With now pounding heart, I noticed in the gloom, that the man hadn't moved. He just STARED at me!
Then I noticed, below his fixated stare, his mouth was gaping open!
After a few seconds and no movement, I took a step closer, very tentatively...
Then, I wanted to kill her!
"You friggin BITCH!!!!"
Squeels of laughter came from inside the house.
It was a blow up male doll!
He was sitting in the front passenger seat! When I opened the door, I saw why some people must like these things, a HUGE plastic penis sticking in the air! I couldn't imagine what that would feel like, and did not want to find out!
It was the face that made you crack up with laughter, the gaping mouth, soooo revolting! Then the bottom, eeewww!
She promised me it wasn't SECOND HAND!!!
I had to believe her.
So, from then on, when we were both bored and we had someone even more boring than us visiting, we would look at each other, a secret eye-smile would exchange, and out I would go, or she sometimes, and return to introduce our 'new friend.'
Luckily no one threw up.
I wonder what the Mormons really thought?
Here is something to spice up your lives with...
no not really...not 'nasty' blow up dolls! They were 11 inch high promotional dolls given away in a magazine and no, they are not mine!
But, if you must, you can get them on ebay now!!
photo credits: unascribed as sellers' photos on ebay.
Meet John! He is available on ebay right now!
I was not long home, it was about 8pm, when the girl I was sharing a house with asked to borrow the keys, she had left something in the car.
Time goes by, 9pm, she and another friend were giggling in bed together, I was bored, staring at the ceiling on my bed, the fan whirred, the traffic droned. I lived in a dilapidated hovel, in the smog encrusted outskirts of Melbourne, Bogun-Vile Village.
I had no one in my emotional life. I was living with a heroin addict in full denial, to my face at least;
"No I'm not!!!"
"But dearest, we are standing in a darkened house and your pupils are pin dots!"
We liked each other.
She liked my black humour, my silliness and we both loved being childish. So we had a lot in common, excluding the fact that she had a part time girl friend, well, girlfriends!
I had my right hand, occasionally my left. The novelty of the switch made it feel like a blind date...
As I stared blankly and unblinking at the peeling lead paint ceiling, waiting for that thrillingly entertaining moment, when a paint flake fluttered down, my private minimalist snow storm.
Then she called out to me again, in that slightly whiney, pathetic and hopeless tone, the one I knew was all about getting her something because she couldn't be bothered getting up off her arse and dragging it four feet across the room.
Endulging her was one of my idle amusements in those days.
"I left my bag in the car, can you get it, pleeeeeeeeease!"
She had quite beautiful eyes actually, and knew how to manipulate EVERYONE, at least some of the time.
'I've got chocolate!"
Well, that did it. I had given up alcohol, drugs, sex had given me up, I had moved interstate, worked at a psyche clinic as a dramatist, was writing an opera, hated to suffer fools....BUT.....
chocolate....frig it!
I went to the car.
It was parked under the carport next to the house, the highway zooming behind in the background, headlights and red break lights passing like light streamers, or small comets about to hit ground.
But this evening would be different, the traffic distraction was momentary, because as soon as I turned the corner, I saw him;
A MAN SITTING IN MY CAR!!!!
I gasped and physically reeled backwards, while raising my hands up protectively.
With now pounding heart, I noticed in the gloom, that the man hadn't moved. He just STARED at me!
Then I noticed, below his fixated stare, his mouth was gaping open!
After a few seconds and no movement, I took a step closer, very tentatively...
Then, I wanted to kill her!
"You friggin BITCH!!!!"
Squeels of laughter came from inside the house.
It was a blow up male doll!
He was sitting in the front passenger seat! When I opened the door, I saw why some people must like these things, a HUGE plastic penis sticking in the air! I couldn't imagine what that would feel like, and did not want to find out!
It was the face that made you crack up with laughter, the gaping mouth, soooo revolting! Then the bottom, eeewww!
She promised me it wasn't SECOND HAND!!!
I had to believe her.
So, from then on, when we were both bored and we had someone even more boring than us visiting, we would look at each other, a secret eye-smile would exchange, and out I would go, or she sometimes, and return to introduce our 'new friend.'
Luckily no one threw up.
I wonder what the Mormons really thought?
Here is something to spice up your lives with...
blow up spice dolls!
no not really...not 'nasty' blow up dolls! They were 11 inch high promotional dolls given away in a magazine and no, they are not mine!
But, if you must, you can get them on ebay now!!
photo credits: unascribed as sellers' photos on ebay.
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Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
i wonder what the mormons really thought too...
Michaelie
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
Screen Trek
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
although, one girl I knew told me her brother, in Perth, had befriended a Mormon, then convinced him he was following a religion that was created by an opportunist, and whatever, and the young guy left them!
I cannot claim to anything quite so drastic as that, although, when a uni student, and bored when they knocked, I invited them in, led them along for half an hour.. they were agog that someone in Darlinghurst hadn't thrown a bucket of water over them, then at an opportune time, let them have the 'I am of the one true Holy and Apostolic Church'...rave...they quickly fled.
I do not take drugs anymore, I am here to say!
cheers
fog