PHAART ART!!!
November 4th 2007 13:06
There was a time, many desolate years ago, when I became 'teddiblee" (phonetic spelling of 'terribly', to connote a seriously affected, pansy like, faux sophisticate, artsy voice) 'teddiblee' disenchanted with the fine art world, as more curators began promoting more and more artists that could not draw.
So, after seeing yet another clever-dick example of pretend art, in the UNSW Art Gallery, like the guy who had a carpenter build a small henhouse and then had half a dozen chickens taxidermed for him, then stood them in two neat rows inside the coop, which had a glass window so you could see them, it was after seeing that, and the fact the 'artist' alone claimed all the credit for its creation, that I finally decided that I should have a go...at everyone!
My intention was thus:
I would hire a number of 'models', for want of a better description, and also have pre-prepared numerous buckets of vegetable dye, of various colours.
A harness system was to be devised, so I could elevate each model and place them against a huge canvass, which I wanted to be so big, it could only ever fit in a public gallery, (another trick used by some, BIG impresses the masses and avoids close scrutiny).
However, before I placed them against the canvass, each model had to strip naked and have administered, by trained nurses, an enema, so they were all nice and clean, inside and out!
Then I would instruct the nurses to administer various quantities and colours of vegetable dye, squirted up their bottom like the previous cleansing enema. Each model would then be asked to "clench" their buttocks closed until needed.
Then, I would place in position, on the huge canvass, each model via a harness and crane system, then call out, from a safe distance, "PUSH!"
The dye would then be squirted from their bottoms onto the canvass.
The result would be a mass of bottom and thigh imprints and multi-coloured sprays, all melding into a fabulous rainbow effect, cascading down the canvass...
I would then enter it into a prestigious art competition!
When the amazed curators finally asked me, "Oh DEAR!! MARVELLOUS! What is it about?"
I would reply triumphantly and very speedily;
"It is my conceptualisation of the intellectual and spiritual processes by which the curatorial doyens of today gather their inspiration to hail a new artform!"
As they gaped at me wondering what I was meaning, and before they could speak, I would say, "I call it....PHAART ART...DAHHHLINGS!!"
Then turn on my heel and storm out of the gallery.
The reason why I never actually attempted this bizarre concept, was fear! However, I was not afraid of creating it, nor was I afraid of the public consternation and ridicule such a monstrosity would cause. Even less fearful was I of the curators' collective rage.
What afeared me most was, that the curators would all scream with delight and hail me "their" new creative genius...
"OH MY GAWWWD!!! A NEW ART FORM HAS BEEN BORN!!! AND I FOUND IT!! I MADE HIM FAMOUS!!! I'M GOING TO MAKE MYSELF MORE FAMOUS THAN ANYBODY I KNOW!!! I AM GOD'S IDEA OF A CURATOR!!!" I can see their wheezing, affected self-congratulatory titillations even now...
However, such a positive reaction would have been exceedingly boring.
The idea behind Phaart Art was to satirise the falsity, the manipulation, the fraudulent inflationary pricing and the ludicrous hyperbole and pomposity of the art world and its pagan gods, the gallery curators. I wanted to mock and goad their land of platitudes and synthetic smiles, to lampoon their false vessels of artistic merit, to make them angry by the insult, to rock them to their hollow moral cores.
Instead, I left that exhibition, and got drunk.
So, after seeing yet another clever-dick example of pretend art, in the UNSW Art Gallery, like the guy who had a carpenter build a small henhouse and then had half a dozen chickens taxidermed for him, then stood them in two neat rows inside the coop, which had a glass window so you could see them, it was after seeing that, and the fact the 'artist' alone claimed all the credit for its creation, that I finally decided that I should have a go...at everyone!
My intention was thus:
I would hire a number of 'models', for want of a better description, and also have pre-prepared numerous buckets of vegetable dye, of various colours.
A harness system was to be devised, so I could elevate each model and place them against a huge canvass, which I wanted to be so big, it could only ever fit in a public gallery, (another trick used by some, BIG impresses the masses and avoids close scrutiny).
However, before I placed them against the canvass, each model had to strip naked and have administered, by trained nurses, an enema, so they were all nice and clean, inside and out!
Then I would instruct the nurses to administer various quantities and colours of vegetable dye, squirted up their bottom like the previous cleansing enema. Each model would then be asked to "clench" their buttocks closed until needed.
Then, I would place in position, on the huge canvass, each model via a harness and crane system, then call out, from a safe distance, "PUSH!"
The dye would then be squirted from their bottoms onto the canvass.
The result would be a mass of bottom and thigh imprints and multi-coloured sprays, all melding into a fabulous rainbow effect, cascading down the canvass...
I would then enter it into a prestigious art competition!
When the amazed curators finally asked me, "Oh DEAR!! MARVELLOUS! What is it about?"
I would reply triumphantly and very speedily;
"It is my conceptualisation of the intellectual and spiritual processes by which the curatorial doyens of today gather their inspiration to hail a new artform!"
As they gaped at me wondering what I was meaning, and before they could speak, I would say, "I call it....PHAART ART...DAHHHLINGS!!"
Then turn on my heel and storm out of the gallery.
The reason why I never actually attempted this bizarre concept, was fear! However, I was not afraid of creating it, nor was I afraid of the public consternation and ridicule such a monstrosity would cause. Even less fearful was I of the curators' collective rage.
What afeared me most was, that the curators would all scream with delight and hail me "their" new creative genius...
"OH MY GAWWWD!!! A NEW ART FORM HAS BEEN BORN!!! AND I FOUND IT!! I MADE HIM FAMOUS!!! I'M GOING TO MAKE MYSELF MORE FAMOUS THAN ANYBODY I KNOW!!! I AM GOD'S IDEA OF A CURATOR!!!" I can see their wheezing, affected self-congratulatory titillations even now...
However, such a positive reaction would have been exceedingly boring.
The idea behind Phaart Art was to satirise the falsity, the manipulation, the fraudulent inflationary pricing and the ludicrous hyperbole and pomposity of the art world and its pagan gods, the gallery curators. I wanted to mock and goad their land of platitudes and synthetic smiles, to lampoon their false vessels of artistic merit, to make them angry by the insult, to rock them to their hollow moral cores.
Instead, I left that exhibition, and got drunk.
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Comment by katyzzz
Photography Tips
MS Paint Art
Comment by Louie
randomthoughts
Phil's Wellness Tips
you better do it fast before an Orbler steals your idea and becomes the next bog thing......
very amusing for a pre coffee monday
Comment by Michaelie
Flick Wit
Hilarious and ingenious and wonderful!
I wish you had done it, but you're right - the satire may well have gone to waste, and that would be more than boring, it would be damned depressing!
Michaelie
Comment by RV
rv
It is so funny how our generations can create such lingo just like the PHAT GIRLS movie.
Going back to the topic, it is really frustrating to see the world of art fall down to this level. I am a great fan and a slave at that as well but sometimes I see crazed priced art-lings with no real value at all. At first I thought I am not a great fan of a particular art genre but then again it does not even qualify as art. Just like music that some claims but in truth are just shouting and cursing backed up by violent drums and percussions.
I think as a contribution to the art world, I will ask a 10 month old baby swim in a tub of water colors or oil paints and then place them on top of a canvass and let them smear the whole canvass and then inform everybody that it is the baby's work of art!
Comment by Brenton
Dr Spin
Tales From The Other Side
Blip Blog
Gadget Museum
Comment by Lilla
From The Home Front
Enviro Warrior
Dream Herald
Esoteric Bookshop
HAHAHAHAHA
*still laughing*
Lilla ...
Comment by Krystal
feelings
Comment by Techno
Geeky Blog
Comment by Mountain Fog
Infognito
Screen Trek
QUOTE ME NO QUOTES!
Well thanks for the comments folks!
And Brenton, I am touched!
Also, just re-reading for the first time, since I wrote this last night, it suddenly annoyed me that I didn't go ahead with it!
I knew people who could have helped me, maybe some would have helped...my family knew Whitely, for instance, he would have helped me organize it...or so I'd like to dream...maybe...wish I had told him about it..
I vocally entertained the idea with my own 'friends'...I think I came up with Phaart Art in the late seventies....anyway, I bored too many senseless with the repetition...by the fifth LARGE dry martini with TWO olives, shaken, out would trot my favourite 'party' stories...initially everyone thought my ideas were outrageous and fun...however, the more I spoke of an idea, the further it sailed away from becoming a reality.
Anyhoo....I am glad some of you found it amusing...and I was not altogether surprised the odd person found it revolting...and for those who found it both funny and revolting...BRAVO!!!!!!!!!!! BRAVA!!!!!!!!!!!!
cheers
fog